Day before I start my weightloss journey...
So, tomorrow is the day I begin my weightloss journey. I have so many emotions whirling around in my head. I'm excited to start this journey, but scared as well. I feel like I have jipped myself out on a lot in my life because of my weight. As I sit here writing this tears come to my eyes because I have realized that the only person I have to blame is myself! I have said this many times before, but I feel like food is definately my "drug." Unlike people, food has always been there for me. Doesn't matter if I'm happy, sad, angry, depressed, excited...etc...FOOD IS THERE! My challenge throughout this process (other than losing weight) is to figure out how I can replace food with other things. At this point, I can't sit here and say I have the will-power to make it through this, but I sure as hell am going to try my best! Everyone tells me to "think about the end result," but I don't quite have that mantality. It's like Food is my boss and it constantly tells me what to do. I feel like it has taken over my life.
As a young adult, I was never one to really express how I felt. I would either cry in my room or hold it in completely and that has definately taken a toll on me. I've always felt as though my brother and sister were better then me, and I had to constantly win over my parents attention. That's something I've never told them because again, I feel like it's selfish of me or that they wouldn't believe me or how I felt. In there eyes I was perfectly fine. I know they feel they gave me as much attention as their other two children, and I know they have not purposely made me feel this way. I've always tried to make them proud, and many things I do in life are because I want to make them happy. In November of 2003, I was a huge disapointment to them....I got pregnant! I think from that point on, I've felt like a huge let down to them. I would NEVER EVER change a thing because my daughter is my life and she is what keeps me alive! I truely believe she was born for a reason! After my daughter was born I became extremely depressed and struggled with depression for years after. Food was most definately a "drug" for me at that point, I think more then it has been before. I was taking care of a child when I could barely take care of myself and wasn't sure how on earth I would manage that, so I turned to food. Although things got better over time and was a great mother, I could never win the battle with food. A few years later my marriage began to fall apart and again, the "food" devil sat on my shoulder saying "I'll make you feel better." Depression set in again and I would eat and eat and eat. It didn't matter that my stomach would be killing me or that I wasn't even hungry - I still ate!!! I sit here thinking....what if I would have exercised instead of eating, maybe I wouldn't be here writing this blog or trying to make sudden lifestyle changes. With that said....here I am now, all 227 lbs of me, forcing myself to make changes and realize that I CAN do this. I can't do it alone though.....hence the blog. This is a time in my life where I NEED my family and friends the most. I need everyone to understand why I am doing this. It's very important to me and will take all the help I can get! I'm really willing to take any constructive critizism, comments, and suggestions that you can give!
I've been thinking a lot about why I am the way I am. In doing so I've realized that I don't have the will-power to help myself. I haven't quite figured out why yet. Maybe because it's a million times harder to help myself then it is to help other people. I'm sure my friends would say that I would do just about anything for them, but I think part of that is because it's like a cop-out for helping myself. My way of thinking is...if I'm always helping others, there is no time to help myself! NOW...it's time to face myself head-on and help do what I need to do! Some people may think that it's selfish of me, but at this point it's about what I NEED, not what I want. About a year ago I went to the Dr and she told me I was borderline diabetic, although it runs in my family it is still preventable. The last time I was at the Dr, my numbers went down and I was getting better, but I don't want to be a diabetic...I don't want my numbers to even be close to being a diabetic....another reason why I need to change!
I thought if I blog everyday and put my emotions on the table, it may help me through this process. I am leaving myself very vulnerable, but I think it's something I NEED to do! I haven't decided if I will post before and after pictures yet. I will be posting my starting weight and measurements tomorrow and will try to post my daily weight there-after. I will take measurements once every other week.
My day will consist of:
*1,200 calorie diet
5 small-portioned meals per day - 2 meals will be lean shakes from my program
(360 calories total)
*Drink atleast 80 oz. water
*Exercise 1-2 hours
60 minutes of Cardio - 30 minutes intervals
30-60 minutes of Resistance Training (depending on my back)
*AM Diet Pak - Burn 60, Chromium, and CLA (Conjugated Linoleic Acid)
*PM Diet Pak - Restoration Blend and CLA
More to come.....comments and suggestions welcome!
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