Day 35
Although I don't blog as much as I did in the beginning rest-assure, I am working just as hard if not harder then ever! As you may have noticed by my results, I continue to drop the weight and I feel a lot more healthy!
Lets catch up....For the most part the week has been pretty typical, but there are a few things I feel I need to "let out" I guess. Part of this journey I'm on is not only about loosing weight and becoming healthy on the outside, but also changing some things about me on the inside. By doing that, I have began to force myself to do my best to express how I am feeling, especially if something is bothering me. Although, it hasn't been easy for me because I'm afraid...the results haven't been too bad and it def. helps me.
This Sunday, at a family cookout I was completely ignored by an aunt. I know that her and my mom have not always had the best relationship and lately doesn't seem to be a relationship at all, but to completely ignore your neice when she says "Bye Aunty" is uncalled for and hurtful. I don't believe that I have done anything to her. Although, it upset me I knew that I was an adult and did the right thing by saying good-bye to her.
Also, an even bigger and more important issue that really stabs me in the heart is constantly getting the cold-shoulder from my sister-in-law who absolutely hates me! I know that I've done things in my past that have made my family very disapointed, but I'm NOT that person anymore! In fact, I've strived so hard to never, ever be that person again! I've come a long way in the last two years and feel like Emily and I are in a great place in our lives and it is only getting better. She holds my past against me and there for does not like me. Last Sunday, when she completely ignored me and was rude, that was the last straw. I was in tears when I left the cookout. She talks to everyone else and says good-bye to everyone and bluntly doesn't give two shits about me. It would be nice of her to atleast pretend she may care about my feelings, or atleast say good-bye to me. I felt like I couldn't hold it in any longer, it has been tearing me up inside. My relationship with my brother is already rough, so dealing with her on top of it is just another stab in the heart. I text me brother and first thanked him for the compliment he gave me about looking great. Then I explained to him how much I've changed and I wanted both him and my sister-in-law to see that. From what I gathered from the conversation my sister-in-law is done, there is no fixing our relationship. So, I said I needed to move on and focus on my relationship with my brother because that is more important to me. I know that what I have done in my past and the choices I made have screwed up the relationship we had, and God knows if I could take it back I would in a heartbeat, but I can't! It eats away at me everyday.....All I can continue to do now is do what I am doing. I am proud of myself for getting to where I am today. I hated the person I was before, but I felt so alone and made poor choices to cope with it. I hope my brother can atleast understand where I am coming from and know that I am trying my best now because I am a stronger person. It hurts so much that I don;t have the relationship I did with him before. I think about my mom and how she doesn't talk to any of her siblings, I can't let that happen! My brother said he is starting to notice the changing I've made and encouraged me to continue, which I know I am!
I put a quote up on Facebook the other night that I will continue to live by...."I can't change others, I can only continue to make my own positive changes." ~Me
So, even though the relationship with my brother isn't near where I want it to be, I feel better that I have atleast expressed how I felt. It will be up to him as to how he uses that information. The last thing I want to do is cause any harm in his marriage simply because I would like to have a relationship with him. I can't make him change, I can only express how I am feeling. I am going to continue to work on my relationship with him....I will never stop trying. I don't see him often and he bases his judgements on what he hears from others, rather then from me. I want him to be able to talk to me, and ask me what is going on. I know he has tried before (2 years ago) and I snapped at him, but I'm NOT THAT person anymore and THAT'S what I need to show him. I would love more then anything to have him and his family over to my place for dinner, so they can see how well I'm doing.....maybe one day, but as I see it now I can't hold my breath for it.
With aaaalllllll that said, through it all......I am happy to say.....I did NOT use food to comfort me!!! I spoke my feelings and used my support system to my advantage! I want to thank all of you who have continued to encourage me through-out this process, it means more then you will ever know!
I also want to thank my sister, her encouragement and weightloss success has been such an inspiration to me. I love my sister so much, and am so proud of her! I've always looked up to her and I see just how strong she really is! I think this journey for both of us is slowly making us closer and I try to embrace that as much as possible! I love you Sis! I know I messed up.....I know! Like I said I can't take it back, but I'm truly doing my best now to be the best person I can be for both Emily and I. I hope you know that? I hope someone sees it......all I can do is do it for myself....I can see it! I'm starting to actually love myself as a person....it's been a very very long time since I've felt this way. I probably haven't loved myself since 2002 right before meeting Larry. I'm just beginning to feel that way and know that it will come in time.....
Thanks Again everyone :)
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